Everyone In America Left A Little Dumber After Pence’s Shockingly Stupid Shutdown Statement


Apparently after talking things over with his wife, “Mother,” Mike Pence came out with his own piercing analysis of how long the current federal government shutdown will last:

It’s going to take as long as it takes.

Here’s how he outlined the Trump administration’s get-well strategy to a group of American service members:

We’ll get this thing figured out in Washington.

The troops would probably rather have a few bucks to tide them over “as long as it takes” for their pay to start up again.

Pence is actually quite the political philosopher. Here’s what he has to say about the electorate:

I fear Mrs. Pence more than I fear voters.

This is his view on the vice-presidency:

Regardless of any title I’ll ever hold, the most important job I’ll ever have is spelled D-A-D.

Another way of summing up his role in federal government:

It’s a privilege to serve in Washington, D.C., but I never lose sight of what the Lord has called me to do in my life. And that is to be, first a husband, and then a father, and succeed there from His perspective, and He’ll take care of everything else.

Here’s one on how to run for office:

Negative campaigning is wrong.

The global economy? This:

America wins when we trade and export and import.

Mike on freedom of the press:

We have rights in America. In tandem with those rights, we have responsibility. Whatever type of journalist we are, whether it be in the entertainment business, or as professional journalists, we always have the consequences of the way we present fact and information.

In 2002, Pence famously told The Hill that he doesn’t eat alone with any other women except Mother and that he won’t attend events where alcohol is served without her by his side. His exact comment:

If there’s alcohol being served and people are being loose, I want to have the best-looking brunette in the room standing next to me.

Presumably, he’s referring to Mother.

In any case, we can all sleep better at night knowing that Mike Pence has his head on straight, even if it is a foot up Trump’s pimpled, pasty white ass.

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