‘Pro-life’ Ted Cruz Blasts Pope Francis’ Pro-Life Chatter


In fulfilling his unofficial duty as chief contrarian voice of the U.S. Senate, Texas Republican/Tea Party gadabout Ted Cruz decried Pope Francis’ call on Friday morning for a worldwide end to capital punishment.













“I believe the death penalty is a recognition of the preciousness of human life,” observed Cruz, once again using principles of logic invented on the spot. “I spent a number of years in law enforcement dealing with some of the worst criminals, child rapists and murderers, people who’ve committed unspeakable acts,” added Cruz, who served as an associate deputy attorney general with the U.S. Department of Justice over a dozen years ago and whose police work can hardly be described as in-the-trenches.

But does it matter? Texas, of course, is the proud epicenter of First World citizen snuff-outs. Cruz was a domestic policy advisor to George W. Bush during Bush’s (technically) successful run for president in 2000. Bush, of course, was the Babe Ruth of executions, carrying out 152 during his tenure as Texas governor. But Rick Perry later proved the Hank Aaron of the trade, overseeing 278 executions during his 11-year gubernatorial run.

Reports that Cruz, upon hearing that the Pope has a formal educational background in chemistry, had denied the existence of carbon dioxide were unconfirmed at press time.

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