Trump Inauguration Lineup Fills Out With Hackneyed Musical Acts

Trump apparently has terrible taste in music

Reality TV star-turned-president elect Donald Trump has experienced major difficulty lining up entertainment for his Inauguration Day festivities. Thanks to a silent boycott, Trump has been turned down by every A-list and B-list performer, managing only to sign up America’s Got Talent runner-up Jackie Evancho for the big show.

But the situation has changed in the last 48 hours with the announcement that three more musical acts have agreed to play for Trump — just not on his actual inauguration stage, which will be dominated by prosperity gospel preachers.

First up is Lee Greenwood, the country music singer best known for his 1984 hit “God Bless the USA,” a staple of 4th of July radio. He’ll be playing at the “Make America Great Again! Welcome Celebration” the day before Trump’s inauguration.

“I’m honored to be part of history again and sing for President-elect Donald Trump,” Greenwood told Rolling Stone. “This is a time to overcome challenges in our country and band together” under a white nationalist president.

Also appearing at that event will be Toby Keith, another country music star who became synonymous with lyrical jingoism during the George W. Bush administration. In his self-appointed role as arbiter of musical patriotism, Keith began a feud with the Dixie Chicks over their lack of support for the invasion of Iraq as well as their superior talent.

Seriously, “Red Solo Cup” is the Platonic archetype of awful country songs and Toby Keith is the Justin Bieber of Nashville.

But the event will not be an all-country format. Via their Instagram account, alleged ‘rock band’ 3 Doors Down have confirmed they will also appear for a set. Can’t you feel the excitement?

You may remember 3 Doors Down for “Kryptonite,” their one real hit, or for “Citizen Soldier,” which was a Bush-era recruiting commercial for the National Guard.

Rumors hold that the band’s entire career was the result of a bet between music executives that anyone could be made famous by playing their songs every hour on Clear Channel radio stations. As one critic put it, “they are pretty much the worst thing to come out of Mississippi since racism.”

At this rate, you might expect a big announcement that Nickelback will perform for Donald Trump. But don’t worry: Chad Kroger sucks hard, but he’s also too Canadian for a flag-waving shitfest like this.

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